


Karma’s a Blank

by edna_blackadder



Category: Strangers With Candy
Genre: Congrats on Meeting the Lowest of All Bars, Don't Worry the Deaths Are Not Your Faves, If You Care You're a Better Person Than Anyone in This Story, Just Sara and Derrick and They Died Offscreen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 19:47:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17028882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edna_blackadder/pseuds/edna_blackadder
Summary: Jerri buys a cursed monkey’s paw, wreaks havoc with her wishes, and predictably fails to learn any lessons from this experience. Unfortunately, Noblet doesn't learn anything from Jerri’s experience either.





	Karma’s a Blank

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tish/gifts).



> I envision the ill-fated shopkeeper as another of Andy Richter’s various SWC guest spots. Also, please be warned that a string of Other-F Bombs is dropped at one point, because Jerri gonna Jerri.

**Flatpoint Prison, Three Hours Before the Spring Fling**

“Well,” said Jerri Blank, grinning from ear to ear, “this sure is different. Usually when I’ve been part of a prison visit, I was the one on the inside.”

The wretched shell of a man that had once been Chuck Noblet glared at her, or rather attempted to do so, as Mr. Noblet’s icy stare lost considerable oomph when filtered through an orange jumpsuit, two black eyes and tears streaming down his face. “Jerri,” he moaned, not looking at her, “I need your help.”

“Sure looks like you could use a few pointers, Mr. Noblet,” said Jerri, “but you’re gonna have to soldier on by your lonesome. I’ve gotta get to the Spring Fling!”

“This can’t wait,” Mr. Noblet whined. “Jerri, I need you to steal back the monkey’s paw.”

Jerri blinked. “What do you mean, steal it back? You stole it from me.”

“Yes,” said Mr. Noblet, “and then I left it at Mr. Jellineck’s place. Listen, Jerri, I can’t explain everything, but I need you to just blindly do what I tell you, break into his apartment, steal it back, and bring it here. Why can’t you just do that?”

Jerri’s eyes narrowed. “You didn’t use it, did you? After everything you said to me?”

**Flatpoint Funeral Home, One Week Earlier**

“So sorry for your loss, Jerri,” said Tammi Littlenut, handing Jerri a bouquet of flowers. “I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now.”

“Thanks, Nuttage,” said Jerri. “Yeah, it’s pretty terrible having everyone at school feeling sorry for me and promising to vote for me for Spring Fling Queen.”

Tammi raised an eyebrow. “I meant about your stepmother and Derrick dying in a bizarre gardening accident.”

“Right,” said Jerri, “that. Listen, I’ll catch you later, Nuttage. I gotta go pass some stoolies.” With that, Jerri disappeared into the funeral home bathroom and drew the monkey’s paw out of her purse.

She’d bought it mainly because Sara hated it, and because it was cheap. Free, even. The shopkeeper had been absolutely thrilled to get rid of it, almost like it was a dangerous object or something. What had he tried to tell her? Something about how she shouldn’t ever use it, lest she learn the harshest of lessons?

Jerri shrugged. In 32 years on the streets, she’d learned more than a few harsh lessons, even if she couldn’t remember any of them thanks to the cocktail of drugs she’d been on pretty much all the time. She’d made two wishes already, and nothing too bad had happened so far.

Someone banged on the door. Jerri rolled her eyes. “Still workin’ in here,” she called out to them, before holding the monkey’s paw up to the mirror.

“Monkey’s paw,” she said to her reflection, “I wish—”

The door burst open, and Mr. Noblet burst in. He looked horrified, or rather, he looked exactly as he always did when Jerri was involved. He slammed the door behind him. “Jerri,” said Mr. Noblet, “did I just hear you making a wish on a monkey’s paw?”

“No,” said Jerri, unconvincingly shoving the monkey’s paw behind her back.

“Jerri,” said Mr. Noblet in his dangerous voice. “Show me the monkey’s paw.”

“What monkey’s paw?” asked Jerri innocently...in her mind, at least. Mr. Noblet glared at her.

“The one you’re clearly holding behind your back,” said Mr. Noblet, yanking Jerri’s arm out in front of her. “Jerri, where did you get this?”

“At the Odd-and-Enderie,” said Jerri. Mr. Noblet wrenched it out of her hands.

“I’m taking it back there,” he declared. “Where is it?”

“It’s gone,” said Jerri. “Replaced with the new all-you-can-eat Fudgerie last week after the shopkeeper choked on vomit.”

Mr. Noblet blinked. “Jerri,” he said evenly, “tell me the truth. Did you use this monkey’s paw to wish for fudge?”

“No,” said Jerri.

“Jerri!”

“Yes,” Jerri admitted. “But it can’t have had anything to do with my wish!”

“Yes, it can,” said Mr. Noblet. “Jerri, this monkey’s paw is a cursed object. The ancient Kings of Africa cursed them all en masse as part of their last stand against Cecil Rhodes’ civilizing forces. Every wish you make on a monkey’s paw comes with a terrible price.”

“Oh,” said Jerri. “Well, it’s a good thing I only made one wish, then.”

“Are you sure about that, Jerri?” asked Mr. Noblet, his eyes narrowing suspiciously.

“Yes,” said Jerri. “Why?”

“Well, it hasn’t escaped my notice that we are at a funeral home commemorating your mother and Derrick’s sudden unexpected deaths,” said Mr. Noblet.

“Stepmother,” said Jerri automatically. “Mr. Noblet,” she added, with all the indignation she could muster, “I swear to you, from the bottom of my loins, that my stepmother and Derrick’s tragic accident had absolutely nothing to do with my wish to be Spring Fling Queen.”

“You wished to be Spring Fling Queen?!” said Mr. Noblet, aghast.

“No,” said Jerri.

“Right,” said Mr. Noblet. “I’m taking this away, and you are never to touch anything like it ever again. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” said Jerri. “Fatass,” she added after a moment, when Mr. Noblet was almost out of earshot.

**Flatpoint Prison, When and Where Our Story Started**

“Yes,” sobbed Mr. Noblet. “But it wasn’t like that!”

“What’d you wish for?” asked Jerri. “Money? Fame? Drugs? I bet it was drugs. What kind of drugs? Can I have some?”

“Nothing like that,” said Mr. Noblet. “I just wished for no one to ever know!”

“Know about what?” asked Jerri. Mr. Noblet let out a long, dramatic wail.

**Geoffrey Jellineck’s Place, A Few Hours After the Funeral**

“Oh,” moaned Geoffrey. “Oh, Chuck!”

“Oh my god, that’s good,” muttered Chuck, driving harder into Geoffrey’s keyhole. “Oh, Geoffrey, I’m going to—”

“Me one,” said Geoffrey, as they both came in a sticky mess. “Chuck,” said Geoffrey after a moment, “the Blanks’ terrible accident got me thinking.”

“You don’t want to get into that habit,” said Chuck sleepily, rolling over onto his side.

“I know,” said Geoffrey, “but this is a very difficult time for me. I was just thinking, you know, life is short.”

“Good point,” said Chuck. “Maybe we can get in another round before it’s light out.”

“I don’t think so, Chuck,” said Geoffrey. “I was going to say, maybe we should go public.”

“Geoffrey!” exclaimed Chuck. “Geoffrey, be sensible, people would know!”

“What’s so bad about that?” asked Geoffrey. “What’s so bad about people knowing the thing that would surely destroy both of our lives? Chuck, it would make me happy!”

“Forget about Round Two,” said Chuck, leaping out of bed. “No one can ever know about our secret relationship, understand?”

“Fine,” murmured Geoffrey. “Have fun with your hand, Chuck.”

“Monkey’s paw,” Chuck whispered a moment later, slumped against the bathroom door, “I’m not asking for much. I just wish for no one to ever know about Geoffrey’s and my...friendship!”

Nothing happened...for a suitably dramatic split-second, and then something did. “Hey,” said Geoffrey sleepily. “Is there someone there?”

“It’s just me, Geoffrey,” said Chuck morosely, holding the monkey’s paw as no one had ever held his hand.

“Me who?” asked Geoffrey. “I’m me.”

“Me, Chuck,” said Chuck irritably. “Your very secret ex-lover.”

“Me, Chuck, who?” asked Geoffrey. He threw the bathroom door open. Chuck stared at his luscious, dangling cock, before remembering his pillowy lips were upwards of there, and his eyes still upwards of there. “Who are you?” asked Geoffrey. “Why are you naked in my apartment? Did you drug me?”

“Geoffrey!” Chuck wailed. “It’s me, your...friend!”

“I’ve never seen you before in my life,” Geoffrey declared. “I’m calling the police!”

**Back to the Prison-Slash-Present**

“So you see, Jerri,” said Noblet, “you’ve got to help me. You’ve got to go to Geoffrey’s place right now and steal the monkey’s paw back!”

“Let me get this straight,” said Jerri. “You were fagging it up with Mr. Jellineck, and when he wanted to tell the world, inspired by my stepmother and stepfag’s hoooooorrible accident, you wished for no one to ever know about your secret faggotry.”

“That’s right,” said Mr. Noblet, staring at the counter. “But I’m not afraid anymore! I just want Geoffrey!”

“So you want me,” said Jerri slowly, “to break into Mr. Jellineck’s apartment and steal back the monkey’s paw, so you can use it to wish back his memories of your secret relationship.”

“Yes!” said Mr. Noblet, exasperated. “Now lower your voice, the other prisoners can hear! Only Geoffrey is allowed to...befriend me!”

“Right,” said Jerri. “And what’s in this for me?”

“How do you mean?” asked Mr. Noblet.

“Well,” said Jerri, “it seems like a lotta risk for not a lotta reward. What are you gonna give me if I do it for you?”

“A permanent A for the rest of your high school career,” said Mr. Noblet, clasping his hands together in desperation. “As a matter of fact, you graduate tomorrow! Anything, Jerri, just please do this for me!”

Jerri considered. “Okay,” she said after a moment. “I’ve still got a few hours to get ready for the dance. You got yourself a deal!”

**Still at the Prison, About One Hour Later**

Stealing the monkey’s paw back from Mr. Jellineck was the easiest crime Jerri had ever committed, up to and including throwing rocks at the Indian. Preoccupied with preening, or queening, himself up for the Spring Fling, he hadn’t looked away from the mirror even once. “There you go, Mr. Noblet,” said Jerri proudly. “I got the monkey’s paw, now where’s my perma-A?”

“You’ll get it as soon as I’m outta this joint,” said Mr. Noblet. “Okay, monkey’s paw, I wish for Geoffrey to remember our...friendship.”

“Your what now?” asked Jerri.

“Our secret relationship!” moaned Noblet. “That no one must ever know about. Monkey’s paw, for my third and final wish, I wish for Jerri to have no memory of the fact that I’m madly in love with Geoffrey and we regularly engage in hot, ass-thumping sex!”

“Hey!” yelled Jerri. “That’s not—”

Huh. Jerri blinked. She must have blacked out. “What am I doing here?” she asked, taking in her surroundings. “You’ll never take me alive! I’ve got a Spring Fling crown with my name on it!” Jerri bolted, clutching the monkey’s paw.

**Flatpoint High Gymnasium, About Two Hours After That**

Geoffrey Jellineck cleared his throat. “Welcome, one and all, to the Flatpoint Spring Fling!” he said, clapping his hands. “This a big night for the school, and it’s also a big night for me. In just a moment, I will announce your Flatpoint High School Spring Fling Queen!”

“Takes one to know one,” muttered Jerri, even as she clasped her hands in anticipation.

“Right,” said Mr. Jellineck, “this year’s Spring Fling Queen is—Chuck!”

“Kazza wha?” asked Jerri, but Mr. Jellineck had turned pale.

“Chuck Noblet, my secret lover! I’ve got to go to him!”

“But what about the Spring Fling Queen election?” asked Jerri. “Did I win?”

“I don’t know, Jerri, this is a very stressful time for me!” said Mr. Jellineck. “I’ve got a sworn affidavit to retract!”

“Right,” said Jerri. She tugged the card out of his hand. “It says Jerri Blank!” said Jerri. “It’s me, I won, I’m Spring Fling Queen...doesn’t anyone care that I’m Spring Fling Queen?” To her disappointment, all eyes remained on Mr. Jellineck, following him as he hurried out of the gym.

“Ignored,” moaned Jerri. Then she remembered the monkey’s paw. “Monkey’s paw,” she declared, “I just wish for someone to care that I’m Spring Fling Queen!”

“I assure you that I care very much, Blank,” said Principal Blackman. “After I’ve fired Mr. Noblet and Mr. Jellineck, while it’s still legal, I intend to rewrite the rules of the Spring Fling Queen selection. From this point forward, candidates are to be judged on looks alone.”

“Sad,” said Jerri. “Well, I guess what I learned today is that wishes can make you popular, but only looks can make people care about you. And there’s nothing funny about that.”


End file.
